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Secrets of setting better boundaries
We all have two fundamental psychological needs. One, to be loved and experience a sense of belonging with the world around us; two, to protect ourselves from getting hurt and lose our self and our identities.
When we are in relationships where we receive love and attention, there might be a tendency to depend too much on the person for our needs.
Proverbially, we might put all our eggs in one basket. This way we set ourselves up for disappointment and losing our self.
On the other hand, if our boundaries are too strong, we will end up isolating ourselves in the name of independence. Of late there is an over emphasis on drawing strong boundaries in all forms of relationships. This has become the go to solution whenever we get hurt or disappointed. Though there is a rationale behind having clear boundaries, overdoing it will only hurt us more. This is where the fear of hurts or rejection is more than the good feeling of being loved and connected.
The nature of life is a state of interdependence – not completely dependent nor independent. To get this balance is essential. That is the reason we need to be aware of our needs and expectations when we draw boundaries.
The nature of life is a state of interdependence – not completely dependent nor independent.
Let us look at some of the pros and cons of drawing boundaries.
Why we need boundaries
- To protect from abusive and toxic relationships
When there are no boundaries, we expose ourselves to people and situations that manifest in repetitive hurtful events. - To manage mental and emotional expectations properly
One of the primary reasons for conflict in relationships is due to misplaced expectations. When we don’t have proper boundaries, we try to fulfill others’ expectations even if they are detrimental to us or impossible to fulfill. Knowing one’s expectations and others’ from us is important to have a healthy relationship. - To be free from dependent relationships
As a coach, I have met hundreds of people who are caught up in closed relationships where they have given up their identities to accommodate the identity or needs of the other person. Though, initially it may make them feel safe and secure, at some point they realize they have not much left of themselves. - To sustain a healthy self-esteem and confidence
When you are not clear about your boundaries, you may ascribe your achievements to others and feel less worthy. This is typical of a cult mindset, where all your success is because of others and all your failures are yours. Self confidence and self-esteem arise from owning up one’s achievements and qualities.
When you are not clear about your boundaries, you may ascribe your achievements to others and feel less worthy.
How excessive boundaries can be unhealthy
- It brings isolation and loneliness
Boundaries can become prisons with big growing walls if we are not aware of them. Though they apparently keep us secure from hurts, they would also isolate us. The stronger and higher the walls, the more is the isolation. The sad fact is we get used to that isolation and loneliness and slowly forget what it is to feel positively vulnerable. - Inability to trust others
The more we get isolated, we lose the ability to trust others for the fear of exposing ourselves. We tend to stay in our safe zone. Every adjustment would feel threatening. - Can’t seek help when needed
When trust becomes difficult, we close ourselves as it appears weak to ask for help. There is a strong belief that I have to be self-sufficient and should not be dependent on others for anything. This way we lose opportunities to be loved, connected and nourished. As this is against the nature of how life works, we are constantly at odds with our own needs and with life.
Boundaries can become prisons with big growing walls if we are not aware of them.
Boundaries have to be revisited every now and then, so that we can expand ourselves.
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